


the heart pours out in waves

by literaltortoise



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Episode: s03e01 The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part I), Episode: s03e02 The Tears of Uther Pendragon (Part II), F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Reveal, Merlin Canon Fest 2018, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-18 04:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literaltortoise/pseuds/literaltortoise
Summary: Let me be water. The heart pours out in waves.Listen to what the water says.Wind, be a friend.There’s nothing I couldn’t forgive.- Sam Hamill,What the Water Knows(2018)On the anniversary of her supposed “abduction” by Morgause, Morgana reappears in the outskirts of Camelot, malnourished and traumatized but, above all, relieved to be reunited with her family and friends. With Morgana by their side, Arthur and Merlin finally return home after a year away searching for the lost ward, beginning their journey in mending their broken relationships. And despite everything, it’s working – Camelot seems to be settling back into the home they all remember.But magic is stirring in the heart of the kingdom and the hearts of her enemies, and deadly conflict builds unseen in the dark of the night. As the very foundation of Camelot cracks and the line between friend and foe blurs, Arthur, Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana must decide what they’re willing to sacrifice to see the prophecy of Albion fulfilled.S3E1-2 “The Tears of Uther Pendragon,” for Merlin Canon Fest 2018.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy… I should’ve started this earlier. Lesson learned. Anyways.
> 
> I’ve really enjoyed writing this, despite all my whining. It’s a privilege to participate in the community and a pleasure to finally post a piece of writing! I unfortunately don’t know anyone, so I don’t have any betas to thank. I’ve edited this myself, always waiting a day or two after my original writing session to go back through. (Please don’t kill me.) I don’t know how many times I’ve read the first chapter at this point. I hope that this is good enough – maybe someone will be my friend in the future? *hopeful face*
> 
> I’m also working on some digital art pieces to go along with this, that I’m hoping to be able to post with chapters. We’ll see, though.
> 
> Thank you again for the opportunity, I’ve had such a good time, honestly. I hope I’ve done y’all proud!
> 
> Some universe notes: I included the Round Table knights here, despite it being super not-canon, basically because I love them too much to ever write a story without them. I leave the universe alterations required up to the reader’s imagination. I just wanted them to be here.

_Merlin_

The anniversary had snuck up on Merlin faster than he anticipated.

It was hard to keep track of the days while out on patrol and at the very edge of the kingdom, but if his count was correct… _Has it really been a year?_ Merlin wondered to himself as he helped break down the camp. An entire year. Part of him felt that it couldn’t possibly have been, but the idea itched at him as he contemplated it, piling his things onto his horse.

“Hey,” Gwaine greeted him. The exhaustion was evident on his face, as it seemed to be every day, lately. But then again, Merlin was sure he looked much the same.

“Morning,” he replied with a small smile.

After a quick glance around, Gwaine stepped in closer. “You know what day it is, right?” he asked quietly.

So, he was right. Merlin’s heart sank.

“Yeah.” he looked down, busying himself with the straps of his horse’s saddle. He paused. “Feels… surreal, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Gwaine agreed, a brief grimace crossing his face. “Arthur –”

“Merlin!” The shout rang across their small glade.

Merlin turned to see Arthur striding across the barren campsite, looking regal as ever. But one glance at him told Merlin that he, too, had realized what day it was. The knowledge weighed heavy in the slight hunch of his shoulders, his hooded gaze, the acute downturn at the corners of his mouth. He had secretly hoped that Arthur had forgotten, or at least hadn’t been able to keep count. He probably should’ve known better.

Gwaine sighed. “Speak of the devil.”

“Are we ready to go?” Arthur asked, scrutinizing the horses with a hardened glare. “We’ll need to leave soon if we’re to hit the next town by nightfall.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Merlin nodded, avoiding Arthur’s eyes.

“Make one last sweep of the campground before we leave.” Arthur turned and stalked off towards his horse. Perhaps Llamrei could give him some comfort.

 _Perhaps not,_ Merlin bit his lip as Arthur immediately set to securing his things, ignoring Llamrei’s indignant neigh at his lack of attention.

Elyan, already atop his horse, trotted over to join them, stealing a quick sidewise glance in Arthur’s direction. “Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” he joked. No one laughed, which clearly took him by surprise.

“No right side to wake up on today, my friend,” Gwaine said sadly. With a nod to Merlin, he walked over to his horse and began to secure his saddle.

Leon had apparently overheard. “Elyan, don’t you know what day it is?” he whispered unsubtly.

Elyan looked puzzled. “Wednesday?”

Lancelot shook his head, joining the group. “It’s exactly a year today.”

“A year since what?” Elyan asked.

“Maybe we shouldn’t –” Merlin started.

“He has a right to know,” Lancelot insisted.

“Then he should’ve been counting,” Gwaine grumbled.

“Now, hold on, that’s not fair –” Leon interjected.

“A year since what?” Elyan demanded, clearly frustrated.

“A year since Morgana disappeared,” Percival said quietly.

The words hung in the air like the morning mist that still curled around their feet.

“Well,” Merlin said loudly, unable to stand the silence. “I’d better make that sweep, then.” He turned and walked away before he could see their reactions, swallowing a lump in his throat.

A year. A year that they had been scouring the land for any trace of Morgana. A year that he and Arthur and the knights had been away from Camelot, patrolling the kingdom nonstop. A year setting up camp in the middle of the forest almost every day. A year fighting off bandits practically every week. A year since he released the Great Dragon, and watched his father die. A year since he had seen Gwen, or Gaius, or anyone from the castle.

_A year since I poisoned her._

Merlin squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that he wouldn’t trip over a stick. At the edge of the campsite, he turned and scanned the ground, keeping his head down and pretending not to hear the knights quietly reminiscing about Camelot. At one point he thought he heard Lancelot say “Gwen,” but he ignored that especially. _The grass is awfully green today,_ he thought desperately. _I sure hope it doesn’t rain._ To his relief, Arthur soon saved him the trouble of coming up with another completely unrelated topic to occupy his mind.

“Let’s go,” Arthur called, startling the knights out of their huddle. “We’ve got plenty of ground to cover today.”

***

By midday, everyone had well learned to avoid talking to Arthur. He wasn’t particularly hostile, at least not as hostile as Merlin and the knights knew he could be, but he was short, distracted. Questions were met with monosyllabic answers; banter was out of the question. They dared not even talk amongst themselves. Something about that felt like it would be a betrayal.

Merlin, for one, was perfectly content to be quiet. For someone who spent most of his life lying in some form or other _(not a good thought),_ his ability to lie to his close friends had always been… flawed. Especially Arthur. Which was inconvenient. Those clear, blue eyes always seemed to draw the truth out of him, no matter the consequences. He had a sneaking feeling that even when he was able to lie to Arthur, those eyes saw right through him anyway.

At that thought, Merlin almost snorted out loud. He was definitely overthinking it – that dollophead couldn’t see the truth if it kicked him in the face. How many times had he done magic right in Arthur’s line of vision? _Exactly,_ Merlin thought decisively. Just because Merlin didn’t like lying didn’t mean that Arthur could suddenly see through him or something. Even if his eyes seemed to communicate some deeper understanding, sometimes.

Caught up in his thoughts, Merlin almost missed the fact that Arthur had stopped right ahead of him. Pulling back quickly to avoid plowing his horse into Llamrei, Merlin looked up and searched for whatever was holding up the patrol.

The wind was sucked out of him in an instant as he spotted the telltale red cape dancing softly in the wind, still attached to its knights shoulders as he lay on the ground, lifeless. Suddenly, the entire plain alighted with movement as the capes of an entire patrol were lifted in the breeze. It was a slaughter.

Arthur dismounted, the others following suit quickly after.

The scene was brutal. Blood and viscera littered the battlefield, their sharp contrast striking on the soft, green grass. No one said a word as they spread out in search of survivors, knowing there would be none. Merlin could tell from the barest glance of the wounds he saw on the first downed knight that whomever they had fought spared no mercy. As he worked his way across the field, he noted every death. This one was struck by some sort of blunt object, caving in one side of his face; that one had his throat sliced open haphazardly; another, and this one made Merlin sick to his stomach, had been stabbed through the back of his skull with a sword that was still pinning him to the ground. The patrol had clearly put up a good fight, as evidenced by the crushed paths of grass where their attackers had dragged their dead away. But they had still lost. He tried not to look in their eyes as he examined them – no matter how much time he spent with Gaius, no matter how many corpses he covered personally, he could never get used to it. And seeing these knights, men who he knew and had talked to and had laughed with and had bandaged when they were wounded in tournaments and had brought medicine and had snuck food to – he couldn’t. Part of Merlin wanted to track down whoever did this and return the favor, but an even larger part of him prayed they would never meet.

As the group returned to Arthur, who was still kneeling by the first knight they saw, he looked up and Merlin knew instantly that his hopes were dashed. Arthur’s jaw was set in that particular “Prince of Camelot” way that brooked no arguments.

He tried anyway. “You’re not thinking of going after them?”

“Don’t be such a girl’s petticoat, Merlin,” Arthur snapped harshly, shooting Merlin a glare that stopped him cold.

He and the knights exchanged glances as Arthur turned and mounted his horse.

“It’s not just me, right?” Merlin whispered to Gwaine, who simply shrugged.

“It is what it is,” Lancelot sighed. “Best not to argue today.”

Merlin knew he was right, but he couldn’t shake the worry that finding the men who did this would lead to more bloodshed than was even inflicted here. Nonetheless, he mounted his horse alongside the knights and followed after Arthur, who had taken off before any of them could even put a foot in the stirrups.

***

The campsite looked to have been abandoned fairly recently, judging by the still-smoldering embers in the fire pit. Merlin absentmindedly let his hand trail along the rough canvas of a tent set up next to a tree as they spread out and searched the area. He looked inside briefly before turning his attention back towards Arthur, who was facing away from him and poking at the burnt wood pieces.

“They’ve been gone for a few hours at least,” Leon mumbled, his voice weaving between the silent trees and reaching all of their ears from across the campsite.

“Search for a trail,” Arthur ordered, barely looking up from his task as another piece of wood broke with a soft hiss.

Merlin felt strangely compelled to comfort him, although he knew it wouldn’t be welcome. These long months on the road had been hard on everyone, and even more so on Arthur. Today was just the cherry on top of the cake. Merlin knew that Arthur held himself responsible for Morgana’s disappearance, as he did for everything. Merlin wished he could tell him the truth. It probably wouldn’t help, though – Arthur would only blame himself for not seeing that Merlin had betrayed him by having magic.

Suddenly, Arthur whipped around, staring at Merlin with wide eyes. For a brief, terrifying moment, Merlin was afraid that he’d somehow read his mind about the magic thing. Instead, he was caught off guard when Arthur yelled, “Duck!”

Without thinking, Merlin obeyed, only to hear an arrow whistle past right above him, where his head had been only a moment ago. _What the –_

“On me!” Arthur shouted.

In the blink of an eye, bandits had surrounded them. Merlin, panicked, had begun to look around for a place to hide when an axe planted itself in the tree next to him, a screeching bandit following closely after it.

“ _Ás-_ ” Merlin began when the man unexpectedly cried out and fell, revealing Gwaine as he finished bringing his sword down in a swinging arc. Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks.”

Gwaine shot him a quick wink before running past to join Arthur in battle. Merlin settled behind the tree, pulling the axe out of it – never leave something useful behind. He made a quick count. Six knights, twenty-or-so bandits. Not the worst odds, but not the best either. He ran through the list of non-offensive spells through his head as he focused on the knights intently.

As much as Merlin hated fighting, he couldn’t quite get himself to hate watching Arthur as he took down bandits one after the other. He would never admit it to Mr. “I’ve Been Trained to Kill Since Birth,” but Merlin couldn’t deny that Arthur’s prowess was impressive. He moved almost as though he were dancing, in a way, with a grace that can only be achieved by years of dedicated practice. Sure, the other knights were great – Lancelot had an enviable fluidity about him; Gwaine was deceptively agile and cunning; Leon’s strategy kept them all alive; Elyan remained clear-headed and deliberate in every circumstance; Percival had pure brute strength greater than anyone Merlin had ever seen. And Arthur could beat all of them. Certainly he had, multiple times, in training, but even in a true fight, Merlin knew none of the knights would stand a chance. Arthur had a little bit of everything and more, a born warrior through-and-through. Merlin could barely take his eyes off him.

But he did. After all, there was a whole battle to keep an eye on. Merlin needed to remain alert, for when he’d need to step in. The opportunity arose rather quickly.

Elyan had just kicked one off his sword, causing him to lose his balance slightly. Another bandit, a tall, wiry man with an oily sort of look about him, saw the opportunity and moved to strike. Merlin quickly scanned for something he could use.

Ah. A branch. Merlin loved forests.

“ _Feall!_ ” he whispered, golden light flashing in his eyes. The man had begun to lunge forward with his dagger when the branch fell, pinning him to the ground with a strangled shout. Elyan turned, startled by the sound, and hesitated in confusion for only a moment before kicking the dagger out of the man’s hand and running off to find another opponent.

Another bandit, sneaking up behind Lancelot as he fought off two at once, got tripped by a rock that suddenly ended up right in front of his left foot. Hearing the soft “oof,” Lancelot twirled and planted his knee in the fallen man’s lower back as he swiped his sword across his other two opponents’ knees. Lancelot made sure to shoot Merlin a nod of thanks as the men collapsed, before engaging another bandit who had been circling Percival.

Gwaine laughed as he parried lazily with a short, weak-looking bandit near the fire pit. “You know, Arthur,” he called gleefully, “I think this is the most fun I’ve had all day!” With an over-the-top flourish, he twisted his sword and disarmed his opponent quickly. Then he punched him in the face. With less flourish.

“Gwaine, I suggest you focus less on the dramatics and more on the fight,” Arthur shouted back, the hint of a smirk crossing his face.

“Who says I can’t do both?” Gwaine taunted. He twirled his sword in his hand to prove his point.

Arthur rolled his eyes. Apparently, all it took to raise the prince’s spirits was a good, old-fashioned fight. Merlin would have to keep that in mind.

The bandits retreated soon after, with what few men they had left standing. Most of the others were still alive, though incapacitated– their peers would be able to retrieve them later, likely to Arthur’s chagrin.

“Whoo!” Gwaine whistled. “I’d say we earned our lunch, haven’t we, Merlin?”

Arthur turned to see Merlin coming out from behind his tree. He put his hands on his hips, a surprisingly good impression of Cook whenever Merlin did anything in her kitchen. “And where have you been?”

“Behind that tree.”

“The whole time?”

“The whole time.”

“Good to see you’re just as useless as ever,” Arthur sighed.

“Thank you, sire, your praise means the world to me,” Merlin beamed obnoxiously, eliciting a small chuckle from Arthur.

“Alright then, let’s set up for lunch,” Arthur said, rolling his shoulders slightly. Looking at one of the dead bandits, he scrunched up his nose. “Preferably somewhere else.”

As they started to turn back to find their horses, a soft rustle beyond the campsite stopped them all in their tracks.

“Round two, then?” Gwaine grinned. Arthur hushed him and stepped forward, holding his sword aloft cautiously. Gwaine sobered at that. The knights eyed their prince, keeping their hands on the hilts of their swords. Merlin realized he had left his pilfered axe somewhere and glanced around for it noncommittally.

“Who’s there?” Arthur called, steeling his voice in that trademark “I’m a Pendragon and you will obey me” style. “Reveal yourself.”

The bushes rustled again, and something about the sound this time made the hairs on the back of Merlin’s neck stand straight up. Suddenly he was sure that whatever was making that sound, they didn’t want to meet it.

“Arthur –”

The prince cut him off with a hand, not even turning to look at him. Merlin swallowed. “As the Crown Prince of Camelot, I demand you reveal yourself.” Merlin had just decided not to tell him that he highly doubted that mattered when a figure stumbled out of the bushes, landing on their hands and knees, a long mop of black hair obscuring their face. They were breathing shakily and gripping the scattered leaves on the ground with burning intensity.

Even Arthur seemed to hesitate. “I… Identify yourself,” he commanded. Merlin noticed the slight swell in his movement that made him just that much taller. He was scared.

The figure seemed to freeze. Only then did Merlin realize they had been trembling. Slowly, their head raised, their long, dark hair parting to reveal a pallid face and hooded, sunken, all-too-familiar eyes.

Arthur dropped his sword.

“Morgana?”


	2. Chapter 2

_Arthur_

He hadn’t honestly thought he would ever see her again. But in that moment, scooping her up into his arms and squeezing as tightly as he could, the realness of it hit like a punch to the gut. Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face, landing on her dress and her tangled hair. He had found her. After all this time, Arthur had found her.

She was skinnier than he remembered – much skinnier. The Morgana he remembered was slender but strong, the kind of woman who could hold court one moment and knock him to the ground the next. But here, she felt fragile. Breakable. It was wrong, she shouldn’t be like this. Gods, what had happened to her?

“Arthur,” she whispered wetly.

Which broke his heart all over again. He was crying openly now, knights be damned.

“I – I didn’t think –” Arthur ground out, his voice strangled.

“I’m here now.” Morgana pulled him down ever so slightly and stroked his head gently, like she used to when they were kids and he scraped his knee or something. He clutched her tighter. He never wanted to let go. Her thin frame felt almost incorporeal, as though if he weren’t paying attention, she would simply fade back into the mist. The thought of losing her again brought a sharp spike of panic. So he cried into her tattered dress and let her comfort him as though he were the one that went missing for a year. He almost felt like he could stay there forever.

But he didn’t. He dried his tears. There were other things to do. “We need to get you back to Camelot,” Arthur said, helping her up. “Father will be overjoyed to see you again.” He just barely caught the look of fear that flashed across her face before it was quickly replaced with relief. He’d have to ask about it later.

“I can’t wait to go home,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Merlin, fetch some water, will you?” Arthur finally turned to see that Merlin and the knights had all gone stock still. Most of them had looks of pure shock plastered on their faces. Merlin had… something else. He didn’t have time to identify it before Merlin nodded vigorously and ran off towards the horses and their supplies. This seemed to jolt the other men into action. Leon rushed to take off his cape and wrap it around Morgana, while Lancelot and Elyan went after Merlin to bring the horses back with them. Percival wordlessly offered to pick Morgana up, though she refused gently. Gwaine was the only one standing still. He didn’t seem to know what to do. When he made up his mind, it was not for the better.

“Um, hi,” he said, awkwardly. “I’m Gwaine, I don’t think we’ve officially met, um… my lady?” He walked forward with his hand outstretched, seemed to think better of it, and then seemed to think better of that, and overall looked to be having an internal argument with himself over whether or not he should offer his hand. Arthur gave him his very best disapproving glare, but, to his surprise, Morgana laughed lightly. This apparently took Gwaine aback as well, and he snapped his hand back to his side.

“I’m pleased to officially meet you, Sir Gwaine,” Morgana smiled. “Although I have to say, I wish it were under better circumstances.”

Gwaine relaxed visibly. Morgana offered her hand, and he took it, planting a chaste kiss on the back of her palm. Merlin came back then, carrying water, and separated the two. As he handed Morgana the water skin, Arthur couldn’t help but notice a strange look that passed between them. Moreover, he noticed the way that Merlin handed her the water skin, delicately, as if he was afraid of touching her. Arthur thought they had been close friends before.

He added that to his list of things to investigate later and decided to move on for the time being. He patted Morgana’s back as she gulped down water greedily and rubbed her shoulders when she inevitably coughed half of it back up. She looked at him apologetically, and again he was struck by the fact that she was here and real, returned at last. The urge to interrogate her about her experience itched at him persistently, but he pushed it down. He couldn’t make her relive that, not when she’d just gotten out. He’d wait.

In a quiet moment amongst the frenzy of their group preparing to leave, Morgana leaned into his side and rested her head on her shoulder, looking up at him with a watery smile. “I knew you’d find me. The entire time, I knew. I was… I was so…”

Arthur stopped her by leaning his head into hers. “Hush now. We’re going to get you home. You’ll be safe, and I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

A tear slipped down her cheek and landed on his shirt. “Thank you, Arthur. Thank you.”

***

Arthur did his best to stay still as Gaius examined her, bouncing his leg restlessly and creating a quick, light tapping rhythm that resounded throughout Morgana’s chambers. He jumped when he felt Gwen’s hand lightly touch his arm, and she pulled back immediately. “Sorry,” he muttered.

Gwen offered him a soft smile. They both turned back to watching Gaius, who was now shining a light into Morgana’s eye as she laid back in her bed, propped up by numerous pillows. After a moment, the old man sat back and began gathering his tools.

“Well?” Arthur asked, badly stifling the impatience in his voice. Gaius gave him a chiding glance. He bowed his head. “Sorry. How’s she doing?”

“She’s doing fine. I can see no major injuries, other than minor malnutrition and dehydration,” Gaius said, putting away his equipment carefully. “My only concern then, is perhaps an injury of the mind.”

Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but Gwen got there first. “What do you mean?” she asked, clearly concerned.

“My Lady has been through quite an ordeal,” Gaius explained, giving Morgana a reassuring look as he patted her leg. She smiled back affectionately. “An ordeal which I’m sure we’ll learn the details of, in time. But traumas such as these tend to affect people long after the threat is gone.” He turned back to his bag, packing the last of his things. “I recommend at least a week’s rest, with no strenuous activity or agitating discussion,” he said as he turned back to face Arthur and Gwen. “I will have Merlin bring her a tonic to help her sleep, to be administered with food once a night.”

“Thank you, Gaius,” Gwen curtsied slightly.

Gaius bowed lightly and took his leave. Arthur cleared his throat.

“Well,” he said loudly. “It seems to be good news.” Morgana and Gwen both looked at him with a sort of shared bemusement on their faces. _Gods, it’s back to this again._ “I’ll just –” Arthur hesitated. “I, um –”

“Arthur, it’s fine,” Morgana laughed. “I’m sure you have a lot on your plate, unless Uther has somehow changed while I was gone?”

Arthur relaxed and shook his head with a smile. “Hardly. If anything, he seems to have gotten worse.” He approached the bed apprehensively and leaned over, giving Morgana a gentle kiss on the forehead. When he pulled back, she looked strangely surprised. “I’m glad you’re back, Morgana. I’ll see you later.”

As he walked into the hallway, he heard the two girls burst out in a fit of giggles, and couldn’t help letting a smile cross his face.

***

_Gwen_

“That was so… uncharacteristically sweet,” Gwen said, once they regained their breath. She sat up from her previous position, lying across Morgana’s legs, where she’d been silently savoring the way that the afternoon light played across her Lady’s face. “What did you do to him out in those woods?” She poked at Morgana’s stomach playfully.

“Knock it off,” Morgana squealed, slapping her hand away. “I didn’t do anything, I swear.” Gwen quirked an eyebrow. Morgana laughed and pushed at her shoulder without any force. Gods, she’d missed her, that little twinkle in her mistress’ eyes when they were alone, like this. “If anyone between the two of us would know about this sudden change in character, it would be you.”

Gwen looked at her quizzically, tilting her head just slightly. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve been gone,” Morgana shrugged, avoiding Gwen’s eyes. “You’ve been here.”

“But Arthur hasn’t,” Gwen said, realization dawning in her voice. “I haven’t seen him since last year, a little bit after you…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say, fiddling with her apron. When she looked up, Morgana looked stricken.

“You mean…”

“He’s been searching for you all this time,” Gwen finished the thought for her. Morgana sat back further into her stack of pillows. “You didn’t know.” It wasn’t a question.

“No,” Morgana answered anyway. “I had assumed… I mean, I don’t really know what I thought, but…” Gwen took her hand with both of her own and held it firm, even when Morgana jumped at her touch, and stared directly into her eyes. Those beautiful green eyes.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered. “We’ve all missed you. So much.” She spared a hand to wipe away a stray tear. She didn’t want Morgana to feel guilty. She didn’t want to pile on top of the pain that she was sure Morgana was already suffering. She didn’t want to tell her how the days seemed to bleed into each other, how sometimes she would forget that Morgana wasn’t there, how she had to stop herself from rushing to serve her when she remembered, how she had to sit down every time it happened because her legs suddenly wouldn’t work. She wasn’t sure she knew how, even if she wanted to. Morgana sniffed, snapping Gwen out of her thoughts.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Morgana choked. “I didn’t know… I didn’t know if I would ever make it back.” She sniffed again, failing to hold back a sob. At that, Gwen surged forward and wrapped Morgana in her arms, one hand clutching at her shoulder and the other in her dark hair, pulling Morgana’s head into the crook of her neck. Morgana couldn’t seem to control herself, after that, sobbing loudly and uncontrollably into Gwen’s thick curls, hugging her back as though she’d never let go. “I thought, I thought I was going to –” she hiccupped, her breath coming short. Gwen hushed her softly.

“You’re home,” she soothed. Another sob seemed to force its way out of Morgana. Gwen knew how her Lady hated to cry. “You’re home, and you’re safe, and we’ll protect you. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Morgana pulled back and searched Gwen’s eyes frantically. “You don’t know – that day –” she began desperately.

“Morgana,” Gwen urged her, clearly alarmed. “You don’t have to tell me. Gaius said –”

“I know, I know,” Morgana shook her head. “But it’s you, and I want you to know, and – and –”

Gwen hushed her again, pulling her back in and stroking Morgana’s silky, dark hair. “I understand. But it doesn’t have to be now. You need your rest.” She felt Morgana relax in her arms. “I’m going to send for Merlin, he’ll bring you some food and your medication, and you’ll sleep through the night.” Morgana nodded into her shoulder and Gwen let a soft smile light her face, knowing her Lady wouldn’t see it. They released each other, reluctantly, and Gwen stood, smoothing the covers where she sat and pulling them up around Morgana gently. When their eyes met again, Gwen found Morgana’s expression unreadable. She frowned slightly. “Morgana?”

At her name, she seemed to snap out of it. She let the corners of her mouth turn upwards slightly, her eyes still indecipherable. “I’ve missed you, Gwen,” she said quietly. Gwen softened.

“I know.” She hesitated, before laying a gentle caress against Morgana’s cheek, who leaned into it affectionately. Gwen’s heart swelled, and she felt the loss as she pulled her hand away. Perhaps she imagined it, but Morgana seemed to feel it too, a flash of disappointment crossing her face briefly. Gwen curtsied and turned, starting towards Arthur’s chambers when something stopped her right before the door. She turned to see Morgana staring after her, that odd look on her face again. “I’ll be right back,” she promised. Morgana smiled, genuinely this time.

“You’d better.”

***

_Merlin_

“Will you please sit down?” Gaius pleaded exasperatedly as the water came to a boil.

“I can’t,” Merlin muttered, continuing his anxious pace back and forth across the infirmary. “I can’t. I don’t know what to do.”

Gaius sighed. “Merlin, please –”

“What if she tells Uther? He’d practically have me killed on the spot! Or Arthur, what if she tells Arthur? I don’t even know what he’d do, I mean he’d probably kill me too, or maybe he’d turn me over to Uther, or –”

“Merlin –”

“Or what if she doesn’t say anything at all? Oh gods, I hadn’t thought of that. She could just hold it over my head, or make me do things, what would she even make me do? She’s plotting something I just know it, I’ve got to stop her, how –”

“Merlin!” Gaius shouted, startling Merlin out of his spiral. “Sit. Down.” Merlin sat quickly at the bench across from Gaius at their table.

“Sorry,” Merlin mumbled.

“My boy,” Gaius said firmly. “You mustn’t fret. Your worrying will do you no good.”

“I know.” Merlin twiddled his fingers, looking defeated. He couldn’t help but worry – the entire situation was a disaster waiting to happen. And it was his fault, again.

“We have no choice but to wait and see what Morgana does.” Gaius shrugged and stood. “Who knows? Maybe she’ll forgive you.” He began his circle about the room, plucking various ingredients off the shelves as he began on Morgana’s tonic. Merlin groaned and laid his head in his hands.

“I poisoned her, Gaius,” he muttered dejectedly. “I poisoned her, and then I looked her in the eyes, knowing she was dying, and did nothing.” He squeezed his eyes shut against the palms of his hands. “You weren’t there, you were asleep, like everyone else. You didn’t see… you didn’t see how she looked at me.” Merlin jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Gaius standing over him with a sympathetic look.

“No, I wasn’t, and I wish I had been.” Gaius patted Merlin’s shoulders, lingering for a moment before he returned to work, stirring the boiling pot of herbs. “But a lot can change in a year. And Morgana –”

He was interrupted by a stern knock on the door. Merlin turned to see Theo walking through the door purposefully, a determined look on his young face, as always. His somber attitude amused Merlin, which Theo did not appreciate. But he was practically a child, a year or two younger than Merlin was when he first came to Camelot, and not nearly as tall as Merlin had been at his age. He had his mother’s light freckled complexion and her mousy brown hair, though and her heart shone through him as well, he lacked her humor noticeably. Merlin liked Nadine quite a lot, and thus held her son in special regard. Forcing down his anxiety, he gave Theo a beaming smile, which the boy returned with a chiding glare.

“Theo! Long time, no see,” Merlin called cheerily. “Come to chat?”

“I have been sent by His Royal Highness to ensure that the Lady Morgana receives her medication promptly,” Theo announced. Merlin noticed he always held his back just that much straighter whenever he spoke on “official business.” Which was, incidentally, whenever he spoke.

“It’s almost done,” Gaius replied, still concentrated on his stirring. “She will need to take it with food.” He looked up briefly, meeting Theo’s eyes with a placating smile. “Theo, if you could?” The boy nodded vigorously, which elicited a small giggle from Merlin, quickly cut off with a look from Gaius.

“Of course, of course,” Theo agreed earnestly. “I’ll be back momentarily.” He rushed out, tripping over his own feet in his haste. Merlin failed to hold back his laughter at that. Gaius shook his head disapprovingly, but Merlin could tell by the upturned corners of his mouth that his mentor was just as amused.

“Merlin,” he scolded. “You mustn’t tease him like that. He’s a lot like you.”

“That’s why I tease him,” Merlin grinned.

“You antagonize the boy,” Gaius chastised. Merlin looked offended.

“Hardly!” Merlin scoffed. “I simply… encourage him… to loosen up a bit.” He shrugged innocently, poorly hiding a smirk. “Have a bit of fun.”

“But not everyone can be like you, Merlin,” Gaius countered. He paused to check the color and scent of the tonic, and, seeming satisfied, took the small cauldron off the flame. He began to fan it with a rag in a poor attempt to cool it down quickly. “Besides, I’m sure the boy has fun on his own time.”

“And I’m sure he doesn’t.” Merlin waved a hand nonchalantly, sending a short gust of wind over the brew and cooling it instantly. He figured Gaius had that one coming. Gaius disagreed.

“Merlin!” he yelped, a look of horrified surprise on his face. Before Merlin could receive what he was sure would be an epic scolding, a sudden bang sounded, and they looked up to see Theo carrying a plate of food piled high with both hands, his eyes just barely peeking over the top and his leg still held aloft from kicking the door open. As Merlin watched, utterly entertained, Theo scrambled to pull his leg back under him, nearly toppling over in the process and losing a roll. The poor boy looked to be debating whether or not to retrieve the roll and puzzling how he would do it if he decided to. Merlin decided to save him the trouble.

“Don’t worry about that, Theo, there’s at least three more on that tray,” he assured him. “I’m sure the Lady Morgana won’t know the difference.”

“If you would please put the medication on the tray?” Theo squeaked, barely audible behind the mountain of foodstuffs he struggled to hold.

“Don’t be silly,” Merlin replied. “I’ll help you.” He looked to Gaius, who crossed the room quickly to hand him a fresh vial containing the tonic. “I’ll trade with you, give me the tray.” Merlin could hear Theo groan softly as he relieved the boy of his burden, handing him the vial in exchange. He seemed ready to collapse, and Merlin had to hold back a shout of alarm when he seemed to fall, his hands catching his knees as he hunched over and took a few deep breaths.

“Thank you,” Theo wheezed. He looked up at Merlin with a subdued grin. “Cook went a bit overboard.” Merlin laughed heartily. The boy had a chance after all.

“No problem.” He adjusted the weight in his arms with a huff that elicited a small giggle from Theo. “Alright then,” he said loudly, affecting a mockingly stern tone that made the boy giggle even more. “Lead on!”

***

By the time they made it to Morgana’s room, Merlin’s arms felt like jelly. He was astonished that Theo even managed to make it as far as Gaius’ from the kitchen carrying this monster of a tray. He was stronger than Merlin had given him credit for, scrawny as he was. _Like me,_ Merlin thought fondly. Or at least like he was at that age. Merlin liked to think he had gotten a little fatter on Cook’s prescribed diet. Theo looked up at him, jarring him from his thoughts. The boy looked hesitant, and Merlin realized they were still standing right outside Morgana’s door.

“Go on then,” he encouraged him. Theo looked away, nodding resolutely, and delivered three concise knocks to the thick wooden door.

“Come in,” a soft voice called from the other side. Suddenly, all of Merlin’s resolve melted away. Theo glanced at Merlin again, who did his best to give him a reassuring smile, before pushing open the door.

Merlin knew logically that Morgana’s room had been empty for a year, only being cleaned by Gwen on occasion. Still, he felt a lurch in his heart as he took in his surroundings. It was exactly the same – exactly the same as when he had left. When she had disappeared. When he had poisoned her. It made him feel almost dizzy. He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt Theo nudge him, clearly concerned. He realized he had yet to move from his spot just outside the door. He swallowed and forced himself forward. Now his entire body felt like jelly.

Merlin held his breath involuntarily as he turned the corner. Should he run? _No, that’ll just make me look guilty,_ he rejected that thought. Some horrible part of him whispered, _but you are guilty._ Panic was starting to set in. Should he say something? How could an apology possibly suffice? _Sorry I tried to kill you,_ he thought hysterically. _I really didn’t want to, you see._ What if he didn’t say anything? Would that be better? His heart pounded in his chest as he tried desperately to control his breathing, avoiding Theo’s inquisitive eyes. A flash of movement caught his attention as a curtain of dark hair whipped around from the other side of the bed.

When her eyes met his, he staggered, very nearly losing another bread roll.

“Merlin,” Morgana breathed.

Theo appeared extremely confused by the awkward silence that followed. Merlin could see in the periphery of his vision that the boy was looking to him for comfort that he couldn’t give. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Morgana. Her eyes were red. Had she been crying?

She broke away, to his relief, setting her eyes on Theo kindly. The boy instantly straightened up. “I haven’t seen you before,” she smiled. “What’s your name?”

Theo was taken aback by this. Merlin suddenly realized that Theo had never worked under anyone but Uther, and chastised himself internally for his obliviousness. _Of course he’s stiff!_ he thought, frustrated. _I’m such an idiot._

“Um, Theo, my Lady,” the boy replied, avoiding Morgana’s eyes. Her smile widened and she beckoned him further inside. He stepped hesitantly, seeming to think through every step before he finally ended up standing next to her, across the room. Merlin kept his eyes trained on Morgana. He would be ready if she decided to do anything. He almost dropped the tray when she raised her hand, palm open, towards Theo. She brushed his fine hair from his face gently.

“You look familiar,” she pondered. “You wouldn’t be Nadine’s boy, now would you?” Theo’s face brightened as Merlin watched, transfixed.

“Yes, yes, that’s my mother!” His head bounced up and down, earning him a tinkling laugh.

“I see her in you,” Morgana said, placing her hands in her lap. “She’s a wonderful woman. Is she well?”

“She was so excited to hear of your return, my Lady,” Theo gushed. “She told me how you were so kind and caring and –” He stopped himself as a rush of red rose high on his cheeks. Morgana laughed again.

“She speaks too highly of me, I’m sure,” she sighed. She tilted her head, gazing at Theo intently. “Do you have something for me, Theo?” The boy looked paralyzed. She nodded subtly towards the vial in his hand.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “Of course, my Lady, I apologize!” She giggled, clearly charmed by his sincerity. Merlin was amazed. It was as though that day had never happened, or any of the days leading up to it. Could she really be…?

“No need to apologize, Theo,” she reassured him. “I have been pleased to meet you. Now run along to your mother, tell her that she should proud to have such a lovely boy for her son.” She smoothed back his hair again with a beaming smile, which Theo happily returned.

“Thank you, my Lady, I will.” He bowed deeply and ran out of the room past Merlin, shooting him an elated grin before he scurried out the door and out of sight.

They were alone. Morgana was staring at him again, her head slightly cocked and her face unreadable. Merlin felt frozen in place. After a moment, he cleared his throat loudly.

“Food,” he said, lifting the tray slightly as though to demonstrate this. Morgana’s brows raised in a spot-on imitation of Gaius. “For um, eating. With your medication.” He hurried to the table across from her bed and set it down, unable to avoid the heavy _thunk_ as it landed. Standing back up, he thought he heard his bones crack in the silence. He could feel Morgana’s eyes still on him, and he focused his own gaze on a small chip in the wall. _I wonder what that could be from,_ he forced himself to think. _Perhaps a thrown goblet? No, only Arthur does that. Then perhaps –_

“He’s a sweetheart,” Morgana said suddenly, her soft voice echoing around the room and causing Merlin to startle slightly. He realized she was talking about Theo. “Is he your apprentice?”

Merlin stood stock still. “No.”

“Oh.”

After another unbearable minute of silence, Merlin coughed unconvincingly. “Um, if that will be all, my Lady –”

“Merlin,” she interrupted firmly. His jaw shut with a click. She sighed. “Merlin, we need to talk.”

Merlin said nothing. _Maybe Gwen bumped into it with a plate. Or maybe a piece of jewelry accidentally flew off of Morgana’s neck while she was getting dressed._

“Merlin, look at me,” she urged. He tightened his fists but stayed still. _Maybe Uther did it. Maybe he threw something, and that’s where Arthur gets it from. That would make sense._

“Merlin, please.” He winced, hearing the wetness in her voice. Slowly, he turned to face her. Tears were streaming down her face as she fixed him with her emerald green eyes. Merlin swallowed.

“I know what you did,” Morgana began, her voice trembling. “I know that you poisoned me.” Merlin looked down, shame flooding his eyes. He almost wished she would just leave it there, but she pressed on. “And I know that you did it to save Camelot.”

Merlin nearly gave himself whiplash with how fast his head shot up. “Morgana –”

“Please, Merlin, let me finish,” she whispered. She closed her eyes tightly. “Morgause told me, when she cured me, what she’d done. I – I was horrified. I ran from her right then, and she didn’t chase me.” Morgana fisted her hands in the bedsheets. “I should have known. She didn’t chase me. But you, you and Arthur did.” She looked up at Merlin again, and he could see the devastation in her eyes. “I’m so – I’m so ashamed. Of what I’ve done. I allowed her to turn me from my real friends.” Her voice broke on the last word. “If I hadn’t done that… it’s my fault. Could… could you ever forgive me?” Morgana turned away and wept. Merlin had to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. Against all odds, Gaius had been right. He stumbled forward without thinking and found himself sitting next to her, holding her close as she cried into his chest. He felt his own tears fall and saw them land in her dark hair.

“It wasn’t you,” his voice strained against his heart, which had leapt directly into his throat. “It wasn’t you. I should have been there for you so much sooner.” Morgana’s breath hitched as she unsuccessfully forced down another sob. “If I had been a better friend to you, none of this would have happened.”

“Merlin,” Morgana mumbled into his shirt. “Merlin.”

“And – and that day,” he swallowed. “That day – I don’t know why I didn’t tell you, when I found out.” Everything just seemed to be tumbling out of him now. “I guess I was afraid that you wouldn’t believe me. Or that you really were on Morgause’s side. You seemed just as afraid, but I didn’t trust you, gods, I should have trusted you –” He slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from crying out. Morgana pulled back at the choked-off sound, scanning his face in what looked like shock. Merlin turned away, unable to look her in the eye as the truth tumbled out of him. “It’s my fault, everything that’s happened to you.” He hiccupped through a hysterical laugh. “I don’t even know what’s happened to you! Not that you have to tell me – sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He realized that Morgana’s hands were hovering above his shoulders and she seemed to be frozen. _I shouldn’t have said all that, I should’ve just shut up, look what you’ve done, Merlin, now she feels worse._ As he dug his palms into his eye sockets, leaning his elbows onto his knees, he felt Morgana’s gentle touch land on his back in a gentle circling motion. He sniffed.

“Merlin,” she said meaningfully.

“It’s just…” Merlin ran his hands through his hair. “You don’t need to apologize. You’re not the one who needs to ask forgiveness.” He sighed. “You should know that not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you and wished that I had done something different.” He sat up and met her eyes, holding firmly even as he felt himself tremble. He didn’t know if he could say it right, so he just started and hoped it would end in the right place. “I can only hope that someday you’ll forgive me.” Morgana opened her mouth, but Merlin cut her off. “I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, I understand that you need time. But I just wanted you to know that.” Merlin looked down again, twiddling his fingers. In the corner of his eye, he saw Morgana close her mouth and give a slight nod, as though to herself.

They sat like that for a long time, although, Merlin thought, it probably just seemed that way. The silence was different this time, softer. Still, he stifled a yelp when Morgana suddenly burst out laughing, bright and loud. He looked at her, bewildered. Her head was thrown back and her hands were holding her stomach as she howled. When she finally calmed down, she wiped a tear from her eye.

“Don’t worry, Merlin,” she chuckled, somehow able to sense his concern without even looking at him. “This one’s a happy tear.” She tapped his nose gently, giving it to him. He smiled. “It seems that all I’ve done today is cry. It’s more exhausting than I remember.”

“Would you remember?” Merlin teased. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my Lady cry until now.”

“You have a point,” Morgana thought. “I don’t like to cry in general.”

“Let me guess: ‘no man is worth your tears?’”

“Uther used to say it all the time,” she sighed. “Where did you hear it?”

“Arthur.” Merlin shrugged. “Personally, I’ve met many men worth my tears, even if Arthur hasn’t.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Morgana said slyly. Merlin shot her a confused look that made her start laughing again. “Oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist, I tease.” She stood, stretching lightly. “I only mean that Arthur’s emotional constipation is entirely self-imposed.” Merlin snorted.

“He’s a prat, yes.”

“Unfortunately,” Morgana yawned. “Anyway, I have one more tearful visit to complete before I’ve dried out for the day.” She quirked an eyebrow at Merlin over her shoulder. “If you would kindly escort me?”

Merlin hesitated. “But what about your medication?” He glanced at the mountain of food on the table nervously. Morgana waved her hand dismissively.

“I’m sure the food can wait a few minutes. Besides,” she said mischievously. “I could always just send you back down to the kitchen, should I be dissatisfied with its state upon my return.”

“As you wish, my Lady.” Merlin bowed low with a wink, at which Morgana scoffed mockingly. She started out the door in a quick pace, forcing Merlin to scramble after her. _She definitely did that on purpose,_ he grinned.

“Come along then – we mustn’t keep the King waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i just wrote an episode of crying breakfast friends


End file.
